As you grow and evolve into a higher version of yourself you will eventually become less affected by the world around you. Many people; including myself, seem to get ahead of themselves in this goal however. We all know someone who is seemingly unaffected by “stress” and we may have even experienced it for ourselves at times. This is quite the empowering feeling. Nothing that I know compares to the perfect balance of carefreeness and passionate drive than the conscious alertness of truly “not caring” about what people do and say. Striving to “not care” can become quite futile. The goal is not to leave reality and become passive to completely everything that happens to us; however, that is how most people try to role model this behavior. The truth of the matter is that even deep into your personal development you will experience situations and circumstances when someone seems to cross some sort of personal boundary.
When Someone or Something “Pushes Your Buttons”
I want to remind the readers today that YOU ARE HUMAN. Yes, YOU. That means; unfortunately, you do have buttons that will be pushed. You are spirit, you are blood and flesh. You are both and they exist together. Becoming a spiritual, enlightened, peaceful, stress-free, empowered and successful person is not about removing your ego but managing it. In order to do this we have to be open to recognize the ego’s willingness to “push back” when someone pushes your buttons. The point here is you will have thoughts and emotions that signal you as something is wrong; however, how you respond and use your emotions makes all the difference. It is a complete waste to respond negatively; it wasted valuable personal energy, lowers your immune system, increases stress hormones, and never solves the problem. In short, you have two outcomes to your choices; create more emotional drama or create peace.
Using The Truth to Create Peace
1. Separate Observation from Evaluation- Brad Blanton’s book “Radical Honesty” uses this theory, which was derived from the book Non-Violent Communication. I title this “using the truth” to create peace because what really is going on when we evaluate things and people is a whole lot of lying. Brad Blanton refers to this as “bullshit” of the mind. Pretty accurate when you break it down. The way to determining the difference between observation and evaluation is simple but it’s going to take you letting go of your precious self-image and ideas of what is “good” and “bad”. Can you handle that? Basically, instead of relying on your interpretation of what is happening in your life, define it for exactly what is it, what ACTUALLY happened. Now most of you think you do this but allow me to show you an example to clear up the confusion…Imagine you are upset your partner because they were talking with another woman. What was the truth of this situation, stripped of evaluation? To do this, imagine you are just observing the situation from a far and your personal interest is not longer intact. What you see is that another being (your partner) speaking to another woman for an extended period of time and perhaps sharing a few laughs. That’s what actually happened. Now here’s your evaluation. Your spouse is flirting with another woman. Flirting is an evaluation that creates your perception; however, it is not reality. What caused you to evaluate that situation as you did? Perhaps in the past you had a partner who had cheated on you, and that partner had also happened to hold pleasant conversation with the opposite sex. The problem that can occur is that your spouse could have easily been conversing with an old friend, perhaps they were even distant family that you didn’t know about. Before you evaluate anything you should have the facts straightened out. This requires trust and honest communication on both ends; however, trust begins with you. In order to receive anything you have to give it first. The point of setting aside your evaluations first is to realize that you might be “adding” a lot to a situation in your life that has no benefit or truth. Stripping this brings you back to balance and provides clarity to see the situation as it truly is, not as you reprieve it. Observation empowers you, they allow you to change your old pattern of reactions that may be interfering with your present situations.
2. Define Your Feelings- Once you have observed the situation for as it really is, being to describe your feelings. The key here is also description over evaluation. Ask yourself “what am I feelings?” As you being to describe those feelings you must look for words that provide self-responsibility such as; appreciated, happy, angry, anxious, scared, hopeful, joyful, hopeless, discouraged, jealous, or lonely. Instead of using words that give someone else responsibility such as; attacked, cheated, betrayed, rejected, or unsupported. When you describe your feelings from the stand that you are in control you realize that others truly do not have power over your emotions. Though people can trigger certain emotional responses you are still the one allowing the emotion and that part of your mind is only a conditioned and fear-based mind. There is a great tool Jack Canfield uses that he calls E+R=O. (event + response = outcome). In other words, what happens to you plus your individual reaction or response creates the actual outcome or perception of what really happened. Let’s say someone tells you you are beautiful. Depending on your personal mood you decide their intention. If you have been slacking on your personal care; nutrition, exercise, sleep and happiness, then chances are you will refuse their honest compliment. You say to yourself “I haven’t slept in days, I am stressed and my hairs in a bun, I look like hell, what are you trying to say?” This will create the outcome that this person must not be genuine and perhaps they aren’t. The point is, what ever you decide on the inside will become your reality on the outside. And it is very difficult to be happy until you decide to start owning your emotions. When you begin to own your emotions you start attracting people who are aligned with your highest inner feelings.
3. State Your Needs Clearly- Next you will want to ask yourself “What do I need in this situation?” The truth is, unless you felt all of your needs where being met you wouldn’t be having such strong feelings about a situation; good or bad. When you begin to identify with your needs be as specific, honest and sincere as possible. The best place to start is your initial response. This is usually where intuition is; the heart or gut response. If you think too much about it your mind and it’s false evaluations come back into play. Ask yourself over and over and write down or pay attention to your initial thoughts. Thinking back to the scenario of the flirting spouse, if you were to ask “What do I need right now?” your response might be “I need to feel loved.” Then proceed with asking why? “because I feel lonely and I need to feel less alone.” Why again? “I need to know I can trust others won’t hurt me and I can be okay with being alone.” By asking these types of revealing questions you get to a point where you can actually ask another person for something instead of evaluating and manipulating the truth then lashing out irrationally. You cannot ask your partner to not hurt you, because hurt is a part of life. Hurt occurs when situations don’t meet your ideal instead of what is really happening. However, you can ask your partner to invite you in on conversation, ask them to share parts of their lives with you and so on.
4. When Asking, Don’t Demand- Once you have stripped the situation of evaluations and defined your needs and you are ready to make a request to the others involved in your situation you want to be careful to ask from the right place and avoid demands. So often we make demands rather than requests. No one responds to demands, they provoke ego and make people feel trapped, controlled and wrong. On the other hand, we are all loving people at heart and when we are given a request our ego dissolves and we return to our more loving and natural state. Instead of demanding your partner “You keep secrets from me, never introduce me to your friends and always find a way to escape and talk to someone more fun than me, why can’t you ever talk with me like you talk to your friends?!” Instead, fill your partner in with your situation and not to show insecurity but to be real, we all want to be accepted as real. If you ask your partner “Would you want to have more intimate or fun conversation with me sometime? I notice you have a lot more fun talking with your female friends and I really admire it, a part of me desires to share that with you, is there anyway you could share those experiences with me?” When you ask from this loving place you open the world of possibilities. Chances are your and your spouses conversation became dull from lack of openness in the first place, and that’s why he/she was seeking it in someone who would be less critical or judgmental. Our evaluations are nothing more than judgements anyway. As you can see, when asking a question or presenting a request, the more specific you get the better. Pave the way for your request, make it easy, flexible and always with the main request which is to create more intimacy, happiness and love.
Using these 4 steps whenever you have tension or conflict in your life will work to dissolve it. Next time you notice you are apart of a conflict, allow your self some time. Remove yourself from the situation and reflect on this process you learned today. What do you observe? How does it make you feel? What are your needs in order to feel better? And lastly, make a request. Soon enough, you will gain much needed insight and transcend your emotional turbulence into something beneficial for you and everyone else.
With Great Love,